I can't believe the time is here. We have talked about this for so long and have, on more than one occasion, come close to thinking it was time to start trying, only to hold off for a bit longer. We kept having this feeling that when Mark was done with school would be a good time. Well, God led us to start a bit earlier than that, however, he has totally been holding our hands every step of the way. God knows me; he knows I'm a planner. He knows that this great leap of faith Mark had been ready to take just wasn't ok for me. God gave me answers...glimpses of peace about the future, and while not 100% complete, enough for me to know that he's walking this path with us and it's just right. We know that God is providing for us through everything and always has so we have nothing to fear.
If I'm completely honest, it's taken me a long time to be ready for this time around. Not just because of the logistics of it at all, but mostly because of Adie. I know many families are ready for baby two at least by the time baby one is turning two. We weren't there yet. Because of that, I have had three AMAZING years with my little baby girl. Just her and I. I'm home every single day with her and we do EVERYTHING together. We are each others sidekicks, we're friends, we're best buddies and we have a great time together. I have had a horrible time being able to grasp the idea of being able to #1, have something turn our little comfortable, routine world upside down and #2, being able to love another child as much as I love my girl. As I've talked with moms about it I'm assured that it just happens. It's something you can't describe and that your love and attention doesn't have to be shared or split, it just grows and you are able to love each of them equally, but differently. While I heard this all around, being an only child made this all hard for me to get. I had been worried about how Adie would feel about it. I don't ever want her to feel like mommy and daddy abandoned her for this other kid. While I know that's crazy, I'm also aware of how much time and attention a baby requires! I finally had to come to a point of faith.
I knew this last time that yes, it was time to start trying. I knew that God had us on this path and I needed to jump. I knew that none of these fears that I had were going to just go away or that I'd magically be 100% confident with it all. Much of it I believe just has to come by the experience. In my heart, I knew that yes, I want another baby. Yes, I want to be pregnant again. Yes, I want Adie to have a sibling to be close with. Getting off of my meds this time as we prepared for trying was horribly, horribly hard. Because I'm on stronger medications this time, the actual disorder was hard but the withdrawal was terrible for about a week as well. It tapered off but then worry kicked in. I tested what was probably way to many times for my emotions to be able to handle but I was so concerned that if we didn't get pregnant in the first month, that meant another round of episodes next month and I was not ready for it. I tested, and I tested, and I tested and they were negative, and negative and negative.
It was the morning of Adie's third birthday party. I got up with Mark early when he was getting ready for work. I tested, it was negative, and I went back to bed. Later when I got up, for whatever reason, I decided that I should look at the test again. While sitting in the trash it had turned positive!! I was in total and complete shock. I grabbed my phone to call Mark, and we were both stunned. I was physically shaking from the shock of it. He had actually had the thought to check the test when he got up that morning but hadn't for whatever reason. Well, apparently, throughout this whole testing phase I was just really lacking patience. With Adie, I must have tested late enough that the hormone was strong enough that in no time at all the double line showed up. I figured then that if I was pregnant, why wait the full 3 minutes for the test!?!? Dumb. Looking back at it, totally stupid. Craziest part was that I ended up digging through the trash that morning because I was so curious if the test I had taken two days before was actually positive as well. Go figure, it was. Here I could have known two days before but didn't wait long enough before reading it!
God has impeccable timing though. Hindsight is always 20/20 but there have been so many times through our lives that we look back and totally see God's hand in everything. When you are able to look back and get a glimpse of what God already knew and you didn't, and why things work out the way they do, it's awesome. The test I had taken two days before that was actually positive, that night (thinking it was negative), Mark and I sat in bed and had a very honest conversation that wouldn't have probably been had had we found out I was pregnant that day. In that conversation I was able to not necessarily be honest with him about how I was feeling because I had already done that but it was really communicating and talking things out in a way that allowed me to process everything I had been feeling and my reservations. It was "healing" in a way for me to be able to get everything out and know that he got me.
Once we found out the test was actually positive, Mark finished up things at work and came home early. I took a few alone minutes at home while Adie was playing just to process it. I was able to come to the realization that while this IS going to change the dynamic Adie and I have, it will be a wonderful thing that will add to and enrich and bring even more joy to our time together. I know that this will be good for her and I believe that she'll be far more ok than I have it made up to be in my head. I know that I can rest and relax knowing that God's got this. I know and I trust that God will help me to prepare for it and will help me to be the best mommy of two kiddos I can be.
What was it I ended with in Adie's first blog post?? Oh yeah..."Praise the Lord....we're having a baby!!!!"
